Wednesday, August 20, 2008

On empty.

A little over a month ago I wrote a blog that was based around the song "Even Now," by the band Foolish Things. An MP3 that was given to me by a friend that knew I was going through a tough stretch. With that said I had to come back to that song today.

I am not doing well. Life doesnt make sense right now. There are a couple things that get me through the day; JC of course, my girlfriend that doesnt let me forget that He is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6), and my family that seems to stay pretty steady at all times no matter what. -- I have now been home for a week, I have now had a chance to get used to America again. I have had the chance to move my stuff back to Manhattan, play golf, get a beer with the boys, drive on the right side of the rode, etc... The thing is that little makes sense right now. Not that there is some particular thing(s) that seem over the top or completely different now, no. I just feel out of place.

There are so many things in life that seem unfair, that seem like they shouldnt be possible let alone happen all at once to one person. I cant say that that is even happening to me right now but what I can say is that I am overwhelmed. What I can say is that in the past few days I have, over and over, in my mind been asking why? This summer was an experience that is for sure. War-stricken Sudanese, literally starving Zimbabwean people, communist marches in Johannesburg, nine weeks of out of body emotions. I am restless, confused, at times sick to my stomach. Its real and what seems to be the worst part is that, when I came home, I came back to life, I came back to reality... my problems didnt disappear they just became that much more real and they pull, at my heart, twice as hard now.

I am lost, I am confused, and I am running on empty. Somehow though even when nothing is seeming right I am constantly reminded that God is good, that God is Sovereign, that I am never alone, that when I return to him no matter the outcome of my situations He will calm my heart and succeed. -- My life is being molded, God's presence when allowed only changes for the better. I just have to turn, trust, and follow.

Joel 2: 12-14 (the Message)

12 But there's also this, it's not too late—
God's personal Message!—
"Come back to me and really mean it!
Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!"

13-14Change your life, not just your clothes.
Come back to God, your God.
And here's why: God is kind and merciful.
He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot,
This most patient God, extravagant in love,
always ready to cancel catastrophe.
Who knows? Maybe he'll do it now,
maybe he'll turn around and show pity.
Maybe, when all's said and done,
there'll be blessings full and robust for your God!

1 comment:

Shane"CRASH"Jones said...

Sam, I'd say it's normal to feel weird after an eye-opening trip like you were on. I hope school is going well for you. I want to do a canoe trip on the Kaw soon!