This post originates from an old quote that I found jotted down. This led me to Matthew chapter 6. Then I began meditating om Matthew 6 and was consumed by how powerful the passage was and how much I am starving for simplicity and an emotional decluttering.
The reading that started this Matthew 6 journey is this:
"Constant fasting withers lust, and gives birth to abstinence; abstinence to vigil; vigil to patience; patience to courage; courage to silence; silence to prayer; prayer to abstinence from talk; abstinence from talk to weeping; weeping to humility; humility again to weeping; and so on." - Gregory of Sinai
Which lead to a biography lessen:
Gregory was a Hesychastic monk which translates to, he was a part of a community that valued inner stillness, taking almost literally Matthew Chapter 6 specifically in this instance Matthew 6:6, "But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you."
Then the reading spurred digging further into Matthew 6 here:
This statement from Jesus transition into His instruction on how to pray followed by instruction on how to fast. Matthew 6:16, "And when you fast, don't make it obvious, as the hypocrites do, for they try to look miserable and disheveled so people will admire them for fasting. I tell you the truth, that is the only reward they will ever get."
The above referenced quote undoubtedly was written while Gregory was processing the act of stillness and how stillness breeds faithfulness.
Then it led me to an overwhelming feeling of this:
For my entire faith journey I have been neglecting Jesus on his instruction of purity. Not so much in the traditional sense of cleansing and ridding of material and junk that can pollute our perception of righteous morality. More-so purifying my worship in a way that is sanctified as a true personal relationship. Really responding to Matthew 6:1, "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them."
In my heart of hearts, I truly attempt to engage with Jesus on a personal level, but find myself almost-always drifting in thought to even the most trivial arenas when I try and commit time to solitude. There was a span of years of my life that I blocked out hours each week, without fail, to solitude - "going up on the mountain by myself", to engage with the Lord. I am not here to say that those times were in vein and that nothing came from that time- there was tremendous fruit. What I speculate in retrospect was my motivation for this 'discipline'.
Without going into detail and chasing a rabbit, I believe now that I feel much more depleted spiritually than maybe ever before, I also have a greater understanding of the magnitude of fasting and practicing worship alone in the company of no one other than the Lord. My prayer moving forward will be to rescue me in a way that I can successfully, "shut the door" and chase after Jesus.
